Ok, the following entry might be too 'uncharacteristic' for me to write but I can't help it 'cause I'm into music hehe.  I've been watching American Idol since Season 3 because from that season, two Filipino-Americans, Camile Velasco and Jasmine Trias, made it into the top 12 in which the latter eventually placing third in the hit reality singing competition.  This actually reinforced my thinking that Filipinos are relatively gifted when it comes to singing.  And this Season 7, there is another talented Filipino-American singer who just recently made it into the top 11.  Her name is Ramiele Malubay who is known for having a BIG voice coming from a TINY frame.  She only stands an inch...below five-feet hehe.  It definitely surprised me the moment I first heard her sing.  A big voice coming from a tiny frame, come on, she was like possessed by an evil spirit while singing her audition piece (Aretha Franklin's Natural Woman, a really tough song choice) 'cause before she sang it, she was talking to the judges with a very cute voice and all of a sudden, she belted out BIG enough for Paula Abdul to regard her 'phenomenal.'  I've watched all her performances both on TV and on the Internet.  I can't say I'm a huge fan, at least as of now, because Ramiele has to be consistently good first all throughout the competition before getting my absolute albeit not precious approval.  I'm hard to please hehe.  But please don't get me wrong here.  Ramiele has a raw talent.  Besides, she wouldn't have gone into the latter stages of the competition if she were not an exceptional singer.  But as the competition gets tighter week after week, contestants must throw their heart on the stage as if it were the last.  But Ramiele doesn't seem to care about it.  She keeps on picking songs that really don't showcase her vocal flexibility despite the judges' effort to bring her out of the shell.  She's been criticized by the judges 'three in a row' now and those criticisms were even constructive.  Even the terror Simon Cowell said after her sweet rendition of the Beatle's In My Life that she can be "better" than that.  Simon Cowell, although he is generally rude to the contestants, is a great judge to me not necessarily because he's direct but he knows what talent is all about.  I don't have an idea what's on her mind everytime she picks her song.  Is she playing it safe as Paula put it?  Or is she not confident enough to perform songs with higher notes that would really show the power of her voice?  Ok, I'm not saying that in order to perform very well, one has to sing songs that break a glass.  All I'm saying is bringing on what you've got.  If you can belt out, bring it on the stage.  And Ramiele definitely got what it takes to become a total performer her fans want her to be.

Here I am again before the computer screen typing away another entry after concluding another grueling semester and my final 'regular' semester at that.  And it's no surprise to me, at all, that I'm again worried at the possibility of NOT making it through.  This time is very different 'cause yesterday was my FINAL final exams in my whole "dramatic" college career and it's critical 'cause if ever I fail again, I wouldn't be able to graduate at least on time.  And I'm now beginning to babble hehe.  Just yesterday, I've found out through the kiosk that I pass the subject I somehow hate the most and that is Auditing Problems.  I thank the good God for it.  It's another fine grip on my part.  But I still have two subjects to worry about.  And I'm worrying about these two subjects in a slightly different degree.  The two subjects are MAS 3 and Advanced Accounting 2.  I failed in the prelims part of the latter.  And just yesterday, I took the AdvAc 2 final exam and I so messed the last problem up.  What was I thinking for heaven's sake?!  I apologize for some readers of this blog who will not understand the most of the following but I have to say this to vent out.  

I had known, though not with all my heart, that the futures contract with a staircase set-up is moving as the days go by even before taking the final exam.  But what the hell was I thinking at that particular time that I didn't even bother to sluggishly base my computations on a one-period futures!  Pretty DAMN!  After confirming out through my classmates that what I did was terribly wrong, I froze.  "What was I thinking?  I actually noticed while even answering that problem out that what I'm doing might be wrong in the greatest probability but I just shrugged it off," I sighed.  And I began to ask God, "Do I deserve to fail the whole subject just because I followed what my mind dictates at that particular time despite the soft calls from whatever that I'm doing it the wrong way?"  What was I thinking?!  Now tell me hehe.  Another subject that I'm worried about is MAS 3.  I like Management Accounting with all my heart.  But quote me up on this: It doesn't always mean that if you want it, you'll get it.  Sometimes you need to trick the world and rob the thing you've always wanted.  But will I get away with it this time?  That I don't know.  Management Accounting, I believe, is the most mathematical of all Accounting subjects.  And I just don't have the necessary skill to excel at it, although I so love it.  The saying is true after all that if you can well express your way in words, you must be rusty at Math hehe.  And it's true 'cause I got a flat 3.0 in College Algebra.  So to those who believe that I have the best in both worlds, well I DON'T hehe.  I'm not even a good writer relative to the many others.  I'm gibberish!  When I was still a little kid, I always bowed to my brother in logical puzzle games.  Math is logic.  It's the highest form, I suppose.  I may be logical in some extent (we all are) but my logic may not be enough to get through.  With that said, I don't really know my fate in Management Accounting.  But my hope is still there.  It's always been there.

God knows I do work hard.  I tend to become overconfident because I'm backing it up with serious preparation.  Ok, I'm not necessarily a hard worker, at least all the time.  But I work hard enough to bring the confidence in whatever game I play.  I'm not the only person I know who works hard 'cause my college life has mostly been surrounded by people who also do work hard enough to achieve the goal similar to mine.  This is the reason why I deeply, DEEPLY, feel saddened why some people have to be flipped for the sake of the college's prestige in the battle they've always ruled.  But that totally conforms to reality.  Sometimes unfair and sometimes mechanical.  And I don't complain nor do I cry out loud.  Because the world's imperfection itself is the biggest psychological test which humans are bound to take and this will basically measure how they react on some stimuli provided by the good Dude up there.  I'm just saddened 'cause some people don't have an idea how it feels to be broken and lost at the same time and at this point forward.  I hope I will make it through.  This time, my career is on the line.   

You must have known by now why I've been restless since the start of summer vacation.  I just couldn't enjoy the vacation the way it HAS to be enjoyed.  Ok, let me put it once again in meaningful words why I've been restless the past few days: The grades (that will come out soon) would probably determine whether I'll graduate this May or not.  As I've already said in my previous entry, the results are critical!  I didn't do well in those two subjects I'm so worried about.  Thoughts of failure have been coming in and out my mind during the gaps every single day.  I just can't help it!  It's inevitable to worry a lot simply because I have something serious to worry about.  My prelim grade in MS is not that enough to guarantee my success.  And my final exam in AdvAc was too freakin' messed up to rescue my prelim grade from its critical level.  But I'm already preparing myself for the worse that might happen.  I just can't permit myself to be surprised.  In fact, I've already been laying out my exit plan if ever I don't make it.  Even the extreme thought of not finishing college and just trying to make ends meet with an insurmountable amount of "game" or "diskarte" is one of the ridiculous plans I've had in mind haha.  Sorry if I'm trying to pre-empt things but this is just the part of the whole worry habit.  And I'm telling you, this habit is the most destructive I've ever experienced in my entire life.  I already told my parents that things in school are NOT over yet as they already perceive.  I told them that my chances of failing this time aren't remote.  My mama said, "Accounting isn't just for you."  Really tough words coming from her but I can't directly answer her back.  Part of me is saying that this career isn't just for me but there's another part of me saying otherwise.  Seriously friends, I'm still unsure even though I already made it this far.  I'm a lost kid, no pun intended.  It seems that God gave me one hell of a puzzle I just can't decipher.  When I got qualified to the Accounting program three years ago, I was very surprised.  I began asking both Pops and God if I should pursue it.  And I did pursue it mainly because I just can't say NO to God's grace.  I told myself that time, "I would give this damn thing one hell of a try.  Besides, this isn't presented before me without any divine reason."  When I failed a big subject for the first time in the program, I began asking myself and God whether to continue the battle or not.  I felt giving up at that particular moment but my character refused to.  Although I'm not really that passionate to become a CPA relative to many others, it wasn't just my character to give up so easily.  Besides, I've already invested vast knowledge in this thing.  No one will expect you to give up at that particular stage in life when you almost bled.  Right hehe?  For a guy like me who has found more solace in words than in numbers, it's been a mental torture.  You might not have an idea.  And for a guy like me who has a serious visual deficiency and struggles to see the writings on the whiteboard clearly, it's been a major physical hold-up.  My parents, on the other hand, don't just lie underneath the rock to finance my education.  You might not have an idea how my family has struggled financially, sacrificing a lot of things, just to pave a way for my future.  I even sacrificed my whole savings just to help my struggling family.  If ever I'd be delayed again, I would have no choice but to juggle both academics and most likely, work.  My parents are running out of cash and nobody wants to be a burden unless if you are a thick-faced kind of person.           

Ok, I'm only pre-empting things that might happen.  Because again, I don't want to surprise myself.  I don't want to surprise others as well when I hang on to my sanity by a thread hehe.  I actually deserve both things: Success and Failure.  If ever I fail, I think I deserve it.  I would have nobody to blame this time around but me.  But one thing is certain: It took a lot for a lost kid like me trying to love a thing he had never even imagined to take.  But you know what friends, just like the popular phrase of a man who has just been turned down by a lady: You just can't blame a guy for trying.  Well, good luck to me.  Plus, whatever happens, I would embrace the reason behind although still unknown hehe.

On the lighter side, you might be curious about what I've been doing the past days to, at least, mitigate my stress level due to this destructive worry habit hehe.  Well, I've been mostly immobile.  I'm just watching movies on HBO on end and just lately, singing at the top of my lungs.  And now, I'm starting to lose my voice hehe.  And of course, spending quality time with my family throughout the holy week and at the same time, goofing off.  That's all hehe. 

I'm talking about God's grace...

Ok, let me share to you, dear reader, THE update on my anxiety towards my grades just a few days ago.  Well, guess what, I made it hehe.  I passed all the subjects and that, of course, include those two subjects I was so worried about.  I found out the good news through a classmate who happened to be at school when all the grades were finally encoded.  I hope she wasn't mistaken haha.  But that would be a very rare occurrence if she was hehe.  Anyways, thanks to you classmate.  And my gratitude also goes to another classmate who always kept me updated.  Thanks really, you know who you are   I really expected that if ever I don't deserve a failure in AdvAc 2, I would, at least, get my first 3.0 in my whole Accounting major in this subject.  And I'm so grateful that I got a 2.75.  All my grades are actually 2.75 except for the subject known as Computer Audit wherein I got a perplexing 1.75 haha.  I don't know if that grade would actually surprise you or not.  But for me, I wasn't so surprised 'cause I don't know how in the world that grade was computed.  It's a lottery, I think haha.  I mean, come on, if I had to rate how I performed in that subject, I would give it a 3.67 out of 10.  It was vastly effortless.  I didn't even attend most of his classes and I even missed the last quiz.  Perhaps the only and relatively huge effort I made in this subject was during that time I represented our group to defend what our audit plan is for a particular system surrounded by risks.  So I was basically chosen by my friends to speak and to be quite honest, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about most of the time.  I just spoke what we came up with and I defended with very little substance hehe.  But thanks anyway for the 1.75 although I don't deserve it haha.  I'd like to thank the good Dude up there.  He knows for sure that the final semester is so crucial for me.  His grace is indeed amazing.  There's only one hell of a "summer" that separates my slacking ways as of this very moment from my upcoming graduation.  The subjects offered for summer are not NEW since those are mere reviews.  But since the classes in summer would be conducted in a very short period of time, it will be tough for a guy like me who still lacks enough discipline when it comes to academics.  But I believe that my motivation to graduate would surpass all the challenges that will come.  So most probably, I will barely feel the academic tension this summer.  Tension, by the way, is the kind of emotion I always had during the regular semesters.  The summer heat would be annoying though.  I'm such a story-teller haha.  I'll be back to regular blogging by April.  And I will talk about rock music and the new vocalist of Journey, an international rock icon, who happens to be a Filipino.  So goodbye for now and I'm serious about what I'll blog about next hehe.  It might not be an interesting topic to some but my writing style would not permit that to happen wahaha, well hopefully.  I'm such a smug haha.